I feel like shit today so I figure I should journal again since it's a useful tool. I feel so depressed and restless lately and no matter what I do I feel shitty and uncomfortable and unhappy. Today was really bad and I didn't go to class even though I have bad anxiety about a million things at school but I'm retarded and I feel so bad and can't do anything. I've had lots of friends to talk to online lately but I still feel really fucking lonely because everyone I care about lives inside my computer and I spend each and every day alone. I'm so alone that it doesn't even occur to me that I am anymore, I go straight from work and school by myself every day with no other plans except maybe the gym or a shopping trip and if I have days off all I think is "yay, more time to play games or watch movies or lets plays", there's never any "wow what will I do with someone" idea. All my time is spent in my house. I don't even try talking to people at school anymore because it's pointless. Nobody ever likes me unless it's online, because it's easy to find people on similar wavelengths that way I guess, and hardly anybody is on mine. I hate having autism! I'm really fucking dumb and ugly and have no talents and no personality and nothing likable about myself. I think this often. I just feel annoying and dumb and like a waste of everyone's time but I'm desperate for affection anyway. I visited Mom today and I wanted her to hug me so badly, I can't remember the last time I was hugged. I feel so untouched and unwanted and alone and I hate my room right now I feel like it's ugly and cluttered and makes no sense and nobody likes it and everyone has cooler stuff than me I'M WHINY!!!! I'm so fucking depressed and every little thing is bothering me. I tried cleaning up today and took out the garbage for the first time in at least a month and washed my dishes but I still have a gigantic mountain of clothes on my couch. Idk what's the matter with me and I'm pretty sure Cookie can tell I'm miserable because she keeps whining and I don't want to type anymore there was a bunch I wanted to say but I just hate myself too much right now to do anything
I'm really fucking sad and avoiding going to sleep because I dred lying in bed alone with my thoughts! I want someone to hold me. I want my mom. But like, my old mom, the mom I had as a kid before she had a mental breakdown and changed and got all weird. I want to be small and to be held. I wish Thom was here but I also don't because I feel so self conscious and bad about myself today and like he hates me and doesn't want to be around me because who would. I feel like a shitty person and like I've always been a shitty person and like I should be ashamed of myself. I have a constant overwhelming cloud of doom hanging over my head and I can't shake it off.
Anyway today I saw my dad. I waited 25 minutes for him on a corner and we had a short lunch that was all too short because he took so long to get to me but it was really nice. He had to give me my trin pass (!) and mail/stuff I left at his house (like a present for Thom) so it was nice to get those things. I might use the train pass to go visit him on Sunday after work and then I'll take advantage of the super cheap local movie theatre to see Halloween for $5 instead of the NYC price of twenty five fucking dollars for one ticket. I wish I had someone to go with but all my friends hate me or have probably already seen it.
I signed up for a free month of WWE Network so I've been watching wrestling a bunch. I might pay for it once the month is up. The stories cartoons are actually pretty cute and funny and enjoyable if you skip all the awful narration and ignore the fact it looks like GoAnimate. I think hearing people tell stories is one of my favourite things.
I hate my body but slowly easing myself into working out has started to tone my abs so I'm feeling better I guess. I wish my hips and boobs weren't so goddamn big but there's nothing I can do about those so I guess I just have to work with what I have even though it fucking sucks and makes me want to DIE
Haven't written in a while, but seeing as how busy my life is I guess it's understandable. Even if I'm only journalling once a month, it's still something, so I won't beat myself up over it.
Pockets died on September 30th, one month ago today, and the whole way I think has been, well, different, ever since. Not counting Augie's death in 2013 (we only had him for about a month and he was such a tiny kitten that he couldn't even poop on his own yet), I haven't lost a pet since I was seven years old, when Sarah, my yorkie, was put to sleep after suffering from cancer. Sarah was old though, and I knew about her tumor, I clearly remember the day she died. I was at the water park with the girl scouts laying on our towels, and I told my friend Erica that Sarah was really sick and I was worried about her and couldn't wait to hug her when I got home and she was back from the vet. On the car ride home, I wouldn't stop asking about Sarah, and my parents wouldn't tell me so I got more and more upset until they told me that she died when we were less than a block from home. Also around this time my next door neighbours Mary and Mrs. Malloy died in a car crash. I guess that was the only unexpected death I had ever dealt with. Grandmama and Aunt Betty passing away was expected, they were both old and sick and I had a hard time dealing with it leading up to their death.
Pockets just dropped dead. A random seizure, stroke, aneurism, I don't know. God can just strike anyone down at a moment's notice, for no reason, just like that. The biggest emotion after the despair had settled down that i felt, was probably anger? I was so mad that this had happened, when it wasn't supposed to, when it didn't make sense, it was random and I had no answers. Just like that, I could no longer pet him or hold him? We have to just bury him and I can never see him again? Why? Since then I've just been uncomfortable knowing that this can happen to anyone, at any time, for no reason. Just gone, like that, and all you have to cling onto desperately are your last hazy memories of an interaction with them you didn't think much of so you didn't savour it. The last time I saw Pockets was when I had stopped upstairs to get something, and as I closed the door behind me I saw him and Hammy and I said "I love you". It was a good thing to say, but that's it. That's all I have. I wish I had pet him. The last time I pet him he wouldn't purr because he was dead, and I was just on my knees sobbing, "oh sweetie, oh sweetie". I can't even call Cookie sweetie now without remembering that. When Mom told me Pockets died, I even went, "are you sure??" It doesn't make any fucking sense to me that this can happen and I'm still dealing with it. How is anyone ever okay, knowing this can happen?
I'm worried about Dad now. About my grandparents. I probably won't be in the United States when they die now. How is my last memory of my dad going to be now? Months in the past from the time when he's suddenly just gone? It almost makes me want to stay here, but again, I wouldn't live in New York, I'd move away within the US if I weren't moving to England. Would it be any different? It's not fair that people can just be taken away like this. I don't want to lose anyone. I don't ever want to lose my dad. I don't think I'll ever be ready. I don't even know how I can savour and treasure all these moments left with my family. They're all getting so old and I'm running out of time and it scares me. Why does this happen? What the fuck?
It's been quite a while since I last posted, the biggest break yet, I guess. Probably just from all the stress of school and the like: Starting school was hell, nobody was around for me since Mom and Michael were away with no method of contact and Dad didn't care, all leaving me to leaving for my trip to see Thom at 4am the day after my mom got back, who was extremely angry at me for not making her a birthday card among all of the gigantic mess she left me with. My maternal grandmother left me a nasty text message accusing me of not loving my mother and basically calling me a horrible person, and she didn't reply when I explained what was going on. She attempted to contact me yesterday sending me a Facebook message request but I really couldn't give a shit, she's two weeks late and as far as she knows I don't use Facebook anyway. She's always favoured my (literal use of the word) bastard cousin above me and goes on and on about how she's so pretty and talented and the best and how they text each other all the time, meanwhile she never talks to me, my mom asked her and Papa to call me during my first week of school so I wouldn't feel so alone and while Papa called the day of orientation the MINUTE he thought I'd be free, making him early so he called again to check up that I was okay, Mama didn't call me until like two days before my mom got back, sounding like she wanted to go the entire time. She's always been nasty to me and made me feel unloved and I'm basically fed up. My family fucking sucks lmao.
Seeing Thom however was really nice and I loved meeting his family and finally getting to talk to his sisters more. I really need to keep working on me social anxiety issues, I've come a long way but I had a panic attack at the wedding and I still have a long way to go... The goodbye was really hard on the both of us since we only got two days to actually spend time together as a couple and not in a car or constantly doing things to prep and clean up after the wedding and such. It was a wonderful two days though, and even the time we were out and kept occupied was nice to spend together. I kept reminding myself of all the times I wish with all my might "if I could only have five minutes with him I'd be so happy right now" while I was so focused on the sadness of leaving, I try to cherish every moment and sometimes it feels like I just can't enough. I'll never ever take it for granted, not even when I live with him in marriage, I'll always remember how much these goodbyes broke my heart into a thousand pieces. It really frustrates me that so many people never have to go through this and take their entire relationship for granted and do dumb shit like break up every 5 seconds for years on end while insisting they're soulmates. God that drives me crazy.
Today I just feel really sullen and lonely and can't really put my finger on why. I know on Tuesday, Mom and Michael are going away for two weeks. I always get really depressed when this happens because I'm left completely alone. They leave me here and make me take care of the cats and won't even be around when I start college and I get nothing out of it. Right now I just feel like such a loser. This is my last week before school and I'm doing nothing...I have nothing to do. I hate how attached I get to fictional characters. My friends feel the same way because just like characters I can never see them or be in the same room as them. Everyone I care about lives inside my computer. I'm trying not to spend much money but I just want to buy clothes. I want to make myself better and do well socially. I really don't want to fuck it up again. I just want a friend that wants me around. I ended up crying playing one of my games today when my "friends" were excited to see "me" again and talk to me. I know I'm not Yuuji, but, it's something meaningful. I don't know how I can pick just one of those girls to follow down a route. I care about them all so much, and I missed them. I'm glad to be in their world again. Thom's my only irl friend and I can only see him a few times a year. And I don't want it to be that way, I don't want to rely on him, because every time I do that I get left behind and I don't know, I don't know... I'm crying and I hate that I'm sad. I just wish I could be normal. I wish I could go to school and have friends like anyone else. I hate that I'm a sad person. I can't even hide it because the way I live just screams loneliness.
It's nice to finally be off from work. It feels like it's been forever since I've had free time to be myself for some reason. I don't really mind that my hours are cut now, school starts very soon (orientation in 9 days now) and soon my life will be way less than it is now. Life, meaning being able to lay in bed and play games and eat snacks, of course, but I enjoy it. I'll make the most of these days. I'm less depressed now, I guess. I'm just stressed about money and the future. Gonna have to save as much as I can before I visit Thom on September 6th. I hope my bank doesn't pull some dumb shit about currency exchanges. I'm so frustrated with them. I guess I haven't journalled since I visited Dad, but I tried gently and quietly talking to Arlo and he ended up screaming at me like a fucking lunatic about how hard his life is (it isn't) and I basically really hate him. We "made up" but it was really me just acting like things are okay to get everything to calm down because my biggest desire in life is for people to leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my shit. God he fucking sucks. Lately my dreams have been extremely violent, Involving murderers and terrible monsters and I often experience horrors too much for the movies, but I'm usually fighting them off and winning, although in gruesome ways. Last night was me battling some horrible force I can't entirely recall, first it was in a labrynthine library and then in a snowy field, but basically I ended up viciously tearing apart my enemies and skinning them and then taking their skin for my own. I removed all of mine and it was incredibly painful, I bathed in something and then I made their skins into a skin of my own. Pale white and stitched together, but I was beautiful and powerful. What the fuck does my brain want to tell me. It's exciting, so I won't complain, and I look forward to going to sleep because I get to experience otherworldly things. My life is basically one big craving for something out of this world, for some sense of magic and adventure and excitement. The real world is so dull and depressing and hopeless, the passing of time has left our world as absolutely soulless and without hope and I hate it and everything that society is moving toward becoming. I might sound stupid or pretentious but it depresses me so much every time I see people talk about basically anything involving the world that we live in. It's madness. I just live to reach toward goals of happiness, to a fantasy world of a happy family that I've never been able to have in a new country and new life with my husband is something that overjoys me to think about. But even so I feel like I'll never be fully content with life. I've always felt a deep craving for a life with something else in it, magic or the supernatural or something, which is I guess why I've gotten so into occult studies and the paranormal. I think some part of me still holds hope that one day I'll be able to float, just levitate off the ground, or do something fantastical. It would be nice to find a portal to another world. I just want something other than this
I'm writing this from my new computer... ^^ It's an Acer gaming laptop and I'm really happy with it. I already have 200GB of games on it and I'm so happy to be playing eroge again. I'm currently playing Grisaia no Kajitsu, it's an extremely large game (VNDB says it's >50 hours) and I've never completed it so I'm excited to now. I want to do Sakaki-san's route first. Eroge were such a big part of my life before and I was so sad I couldn't play them, so I'm so glad to be able to do this again. It's all coming back to me. Thom helped me get all the stuff on my computer started and helped me install some diffucult-to-install games and walked me thru how to install a bunch of the others on my own. He's so good to me. He also lent me money to get the kigurumi I want so we can be cute together while I'm an anime girl and I'm so grateful to him. I'm thinking my persona will be named Anya. I look forward to being able to wear clothes I normally couldn't, since in my ideal persona I can be the things I can't in real life.
But anyway, the sadness has started to settle in again and I'm not sure why. So I figured I'd journal again. I guess I just feel lonely. Is it weird that to me I don't even think anything about my plans for the whole week to be to sit alone at home and play games and watch movies and anime? Wouldn't that bother most people? I have no one to spend time with. I'm visiting Dad tomorrow and might see my friends on Sunday if I stop by again to grab my kigurumi but... I don't even feel really that comfortable around them. I always feel weird and unwanted and out of place now. Like they wouldn't accept me if I was 100% myself. I feel like I'm always holding myself back from people because I've been hurt again and again and I literally can't trust....anybody. Nobody except Thom, really. I'm an alien. I know it's hip today for young people to call themselves weird aliens but I mean it. I've always felt like one. I don't belong anywhere, really. It worries me that although I know Thom is the one person who gets me, that the people around me won't and they'll get tired and annoyed with me just like everyone else. And school....I have two more years of that... I haven't "given up" exactly on making friends, but I just don't have hope in me anymore. Every time I do a fresh start I think I can do it, and finally find a way to not be the weirdo, and to have a few people to befriend, and I won't be an outcast and bullied. But I'm wrong every time, or rather, I do it wrong every time and I set myself apart as, well, the alien. I've tried everything. There were times I tried to be normal, to buy normal girls clothes and bags and do my makeup and hair that way and be into things other girls are, and that didn't work out. For a long time I even tried to be invisible, like a Yuki Nagato character and not talk to anyone and keep to myself expressionlessly. But no matter what I do it leads to me being hated and mocked and laughed at and pushed around. I just want to live a normal school life. The first time a classmate invited me out to have pizza I was so happy I could jump over the moon, but that was in Toy Design and that's gone now and they all think I'm a freak and a failure. I always fuck up everything, I guess. So I'm really really anxious and concerned....I'm going to buy lots of clothes before school starts and perfect a cool style and seem like I know what I'm doing. Maybe some alt girls will let me into their clique and I can just pass off the next two years that way normally. I've never had a group of girl friends to take selfies with and go out to get food with or be invited over their house or do stuff after school and it's something I've always wanted so much that it makes my heart hurt. Isn't it no wonder I never could view myself as a girl when no girls ever treated me like one? Heh
So it's been over ten days since I last wrote... I guess there wasn't much to talk about. I need to keep myself in the habit of this, though. Last night I started feeling really bad and I felt really bad today and napped, and now I'm incredibly sick. I don't know why... I'm hot and cold and shivering and have diarrhoea and I'm weak, in pain, restless...I feel so sick and have no idea what to do. I think the reason I've been getting depressed and anxious is because of school starting up at the end of August. I'm reall nervous... Not like, actively, but I am. I always make it a goal like "this is the fresh start I needed, this year I'll definitely make a friend!" but I never do. I probably won't, again, people can always tell that I'm weird. I really wish Hannah, and Cam and Thom lived closer. I really want to hang out with Hannah. And I always miss Thom, I probably should shut up about it. I'm starting to cry already. I hate being alone but there's nothing I can do about it. Theresa told me today about an argument in the group chat (for irl friends) I have muted and I looked and our friend PJ was saying that Joey is the same as a nazi and shouldn't hang out with us because he's conservative... everyone seemed to be disagreeing with him but at the same time there was judgment for his beliefs and this scares me even more. I'm afraid to hang out with them anymore. I'm not even right-leaning but I find myself disagreeing with liberals more and more and this is exactly the kind of attitude that I hate, that friends will drop you and call you the worst type of person on earth just because you disagree with their politics. It's moronic. I feel so feverish and ugly and gross and I just want it to end. I have no confidence in myself. I keep worrying that Thom isn't going to like me or something. Or moving there won't work out... I don't know. Even he worries about it. I just feel like a bad person, like I'm not good enough and he's going to hate me again or realise there's a bunch of bad things about me and he won't like me anymore. It seems to happen a lot. I feel like such a loser. I'm looking at my wall of anime posters in my basement I had to move into because my stepdad hates me and I feel like a loser. I have nobody to hang out with. If nobody wants me around there's no way I can be a good person... I don't get why Thom would want me anyway. I feel pathetic. But at the same time, the day we got engaged was one of the happiest days of my life. It makes me happy to know that everyone knows I love him this much. And it makes sense that after always being alone and feeling like an alien, that I would leave everything behind and go live with the one person that doesn't make me feel that way. I don't want to lose that. But I also feel like I don't deserve it. I feel pathetic when I get sick, and when I'm sad, and I want to hide all of it inside and not let anybody see. But it's so hard being so alone. I don't even see my parents every day. I'm just locked in here and nobody cares and it's so fucking sad sometimes. I want to throw up
I was almost not gonna post today but then I remembered the other times I tried to do something like this and fell out of habit, so I'm gonna try even if it's a little short tonight. Yesterday I was too tired after work to post... Mom and Michael are away until tomorrow for the concert in Philadelphia Arlo didn't go to. I wanted to visit Dad this week but couldn't because of this, since I had to feed the cats. Dad's birthday is this Sunday so I guess I'll just call him, or maybe tomorrow I'll work something out and see if I can stay over this week, idk. I miss him. He's great when he's around and I love him, he's the best family member I have, but he's still just too absent and isn't there for me enough. Today some stuff happened with school billing and I was really stressed about it along with family stuff, I ended up crying a lot and Thom talked me through it. He always helps me so much to feel better. I felt so sad when I was talking about stuff in my family and he started crying too because of how sad it is. I hate that it's that bad, but at the same time I am grateful that my partner empathises with me and helps me through my sadness. I've had an ex tell me that it's not my problem when I have issues at dad's side since I don't live there anymore and it's fine for them to cut me out so easily, and stuff like that. It was the same with how when I opened up to someone (Devon, my ex) for the first time about being raped he told me "well I wasn't there so I can't judge him or what happened and it's none of my business" and he even went on to buy my rapist a Christmas gift... when I told Thom about it he cried with me and told me how it was a horrible, horrible thing done to me. Both of these instances of experiencing empathy after having it put in my head that I was just stupid and it was my fault, they've been really touching and reassuring to me. There are just so many times where Thom is good to me and I realise "oh, this is how lovers are supposed to treat each other". I hate that I've been hurt so many times and I feel like damaged goods a lot, I joke about "sorry you ended up with a rape victim gf" and the like, but even though I judge myself like that, Thom doesn't make me feel that way. He's really, really kind to me. Unlike my previous partner, he doesn't need to buy my affection with constant needlessly expensive gifts and food, he is just able to show me every day that he cares about me, enough that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I always view everyone as out of my league but I just think he's the coolest guy in the world. I'm so glad I get to marry him. I'm sure that in no matter what scenario, no matter what kind of timeline, if I met him I would fall in love with him. I've never met anyone like that
I’m very comfy right now. I got to talk to Thom today, which makes it a good day, and we booked a flight for me to visit December 19th to January 3rd, a whole two weeks, so today was awesome. I can’t wait. I’ve always wanted to see Christmas in England, and the holiday season or winter in general is such a romantic time to be together. I can’t wait to cuddle up and do couples activities and give Thom nice presents since I can do that now. One of my favourite Christmasses was when I was working so much that I was able to buy all of my friends nice gifts of $20-50 each, it was the nicest feeling ever to see everyone so happy with what I got them. I can’t wait to do that for my sweetheart. I almost want to post my ideas here but he might read it! Every Christmas Eve I spend the night in my room crying deeply after a bad day with Mom & Michael’s family, and it’s always so stressful, this will be my first Christmas away from home and I hope it’s a good one. Anyway I’m working in the morning since I picked up a shift like a good girl to pay back Thom and work towards my goals (PS4, kigurumi, laptop) and I will go to the gym afterwards. I want to get strong and in better shape. I’ve felt better about my body lately and I’ve slimmed down a bit and stopped being bloated since I’m working to cut out carbs. Work gives me free food so I like to get a bowl of mixed greens and vegan chicken with cauliflower for lunch. At the gym I plan to use the elliptical and back lift (my favourites) and then lift some weights after. I’m going to try to do this whenever I work since it’s a short commute on the 1 train. I want to be strong and in shape for myself but I also want Thom to have a pretty girl he can call his fiancé. My ideal form is one that would be ready to enter bootcamp training so I want to train like I’m working to join the army... I wonder if I say that if they’ll give me any tips. I know the army recommends running with a heavy backpack on so I hope my gym lets me do that. Anyway I’m looking forward to dreaming again. I hope I can explore the usual town I go to when I dream...
Today was relaxed...I stayed up until around 3 talking to Thom and then I slept until 1 or 2. It looks like I'm repeating the same pattern again until work starts, then I'll regret it... I miss him so much. I'm wearing a pyjama shirt that I kept in a drawer and it ended up touching his shirts so it smells like him. I'm pretty sure the Thom smell is my favourite smell in the world. I just wish he and I could lay next to each other and hold hands again. I wanna cry. I didn't know it was possible to love someone this much. Everything we do together is a thousand times more fun than in any other scenario and time with him is always the best ever. It's crazy that that's gonna be every day! Man, even looking back at how special he felt to me years ago when I was a teen...I'm so lucky. I'm feeling okay today, I got some snacks and have been enjoying Pokémon Go as a bonus for whenever I have to go outside, it makes it seem like less of a waste of time, haha. I got a check from jury duty today for $80 so I'm looking forward to having a bit of money to spend. I'm disappointed I waited all day for Thom to get online so I could show him the Mikudayo pics....I was going to wait for him but I ended up posting them anyway because he disappeared. I hope he's okay... Mom visited today and I hate it as usual and she brought up Arlo and her waste of concert money again but it's not my problem. It's not like she ever spends that kind of money on me anyway, she only takes him out to shows and events and trips after all. How am I supposed to feel bad? And it's crazy to me that he thinks he has it hard when he never has to see her anyway, and on top of that she favours him above all else and treats him thousands of times better than me. It's always made me feel so shitty to see him be the favourite. He's such a piece of shit, I was right to have always hated him, lol. Anyway I cleaned today and my apartment is really comfy. I hope I can hang out with Rob sometime. It would be really nice to have a friend to actually hang out with where I live, and not have to travel far away to socialise...Dad's birthday is this weekend but I can't go out to see him because Mom needs me to feed Hammy & Pockets while she goes away. Again, it makes me want to cry. I miss Dad. I wish he acted like he wanted to see me. I'm looking forward to seeing him next week, I guess, if that's the plan...and getting my mail from his house. I should have the Yukari Figma there along with some other stuff, hopefully my Lotte no Omocha poster and maybe even my NRA membership package. I joined NRA a few weeks ago so I should be getting a nice duffel bag and a magazine subscription along with my membership stuff. Mom would kill me if she knew, haha.
Today wasn't that great. I slept in until past 13:00 so I could get up for my virtual therapy appointment at 13:30. My sessions have been more intense lately with my overwhelming emotions about my family situation. The one thing in the world that I want more than anything, since I was 12, has been to have a normal family, and to be able to love my family like a normal person would. What Arlo is doing pains me greatly and today I realise it's largely because it's so getting in the way of my one wish, and nobody seems to understand how much my heart hurts from that one wish alone, let alone it getting even further out of my reach, and because of him. I had texted my therapist on Thursday the screencap of Mom's insane texts to me, and she told me how crazy it was, and I realised how much I intensely hate never having any choice but to put up with this while my brother just gets to go "y'know what, no" and his life is easy. I'm the only person left dealing with this and I feel more alone than ever.
I hate knowing that my mother is a bad person. I love her, and I'll stand up for her when I feel I have to, but the simple fact is that she is indeed a bad person. I felt a horrible and toxic hatred fill me up inside today when my therapist asked how I first met Michael, and if he was introduced to us. I told her how my mom had him "sleep over" her apartment and forgot her kids were coming to visit in the morning, so when dad dropped us off Michael was there and she had no choice but to have us meet him. She tells it like it's a funny story but to me I was surprised at how much disgust and venom was in my voice today when I said "she was yet again too proccupied with fucking some guy she cheated on her husband with to give a shit about her kids whose lives she permamently ruined by making one bad decision after another". I hate that I can so easily talk about my mother like this but I have absolutely no respect for her husband, he is incapable of being at the very least decent to me and has ruined my relationship with my mom and makes it impossible to even have a normal meal with my family.
Mom tearfully called me today asking if I'd go with her to see Beck in concert this Thursday (the tickets were originally to go with Arlo and she's been bitching nonstop about how she has extra tickets) and I flat out told her I don't want to because I won't have a good time. How the hell could I knowing where this is coming from? I hate him. I hate this fucking kid. I just want a normal family. I have bottomless hatred inside of me for all of my fucking peers that have normal families who take them on trips to Disney World and shit but complain that their mom won't stop asking for help with dinner or something. I would kill to have what most people have. It's all I want in the world. I keep telling myself that graduation isn't that far away, that I can have a good family, that I can get away from all of this. But it's hard. I'm going to do my best. My heart hurts so much thinking about this so I try not to but today it's so bad. When I have children I'm glad my mother won't be around to taint them. I won't let her move into the country. I know from experience she's much better when kept at a distance and loving her is much easier. I can't have her around anymore once I'm on my own.